Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Worst...Food...Ever

Well, it's time to get on a negative tip, y'all.

Avoid Home at all cost. Not your home, but Home on Hillhurst in Los Feliz. I'm not going to dignify Home that much time because the place is such a rank disappointment. Also because my lengthy, scathing, well thought out humerous post just got erased, making this Home experience even more irritating.

As a space it is cozy and inviting. Home inhabits a courtyard nestled in a row of stores. It boasts a nice brick exterior and cobblestone floor, adorned with fairly lush vegetation, statuary and vines clinging to the walls. That's where the charm ends. The food is a total disaster.

We've eaten there twice, which is one more try than I usually give when I don't like the food. The second time it was raining, I was starving, we ordered delivery, and I was hoping to chalk up the first experience to a possible fluke.

I'm not phased when a conglomorate restaurant like Cheezkaak Faktory offers an intercontinental choice of pan-gastronomic offerings. The Executive Chef/Biogenetic Engineer spends weeks in the kitchen lab at the Englewood Falls assembly plant near the Trojan Condom facility formulating foodstuffs that will look good and taste even better. But, I get a bit leery when a neighborhood cafe offers the same wide range of food. Why? Well, if the chef is that well versed that they can offer a panoply of diverse tastes, why aren't they the executive chef of Patina? The answer is obvious to me now. They aren't that good.

It's been over a year since my first experience, I only have vague impressions of a soggy, lifeless, greasy, turkey rueben. And turkey is not known for being oily. But I am going to skip ahead and avoid an obvious Rosie O'Donnell playing Rizzo joke and move right onto my latest sad interaction with Home's food.

The menu deceptively makes the food seem so eclectic and inviting. I ordered the rack of baby back ribs, smothered in southwestern BBQ sauce, and my son got the sloppy joe. I honestly forgot what Nayan ordered. The ribs were from a pig's back, but not a piglet. They were straight up spare ribs, rubbery, full of gristle, tough to yank off the bone. I had trouble even cutting through them. Thing about certain meat is, you either cook it for a very short time or a very long time or the meat gets tough becuase the connective tissue doesn't break down fully. The sauce might as well been ketsup, because that's about how simple it tasted. Mmmm, ketsup on pork ribs. I could have saved $13 and bought a McRib.

Chris' sloppy joe wasn't much better, but exponentially ahead of the ribs. Chopped meat of some sort was swimming in a semi-sweet sauce and soggy fries. Yeah, save yourself the hassle and avoid this place, although I'd be interested in comments of those who found the food palletable, even enjoyable. I want to get the name of the doctor who removed your tastebuds.

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