The Whole Deal Against Whole Foods
I'm only going to say this once.
I wish I had never found the Whole Foods in Glendale. Previous to that, I was able to comfortably avoid the place, passing it off as a hippy outpost that catered to the guilty Earth hugging crowd. Yet, that's precisely what they are hoping for.
Whole Foods has built an empire on marketing to aging hippies that believe using organic and holistic products will usher them into the radiant embrace of immortality. Have these people looked in the mirror? Grandma picking her way through vitamin B enriched band-aids with her scraggly grey dreadlocks, who has smoked pot for the last fifty-two years, is not going to salvage her health eating hormone free cheese.
I have a grim disdain towards bogus herbs. Without FDA regulation, these companies -and when I say that, I really mean criminal enterprises- market their phony snake oil to desperate masses looking to solve their insurmountable problems. I'm certainly not sympathetic to the gluttonous slob who doesn't have the motivation to get off his ass and exercise, but I don't condone unregulated bullshit artists that pawn their useless and potentially harmful concoctions on an admittedly dumb and uninformed public.
Whole Foods buys into, and endorses that philosophy, to their shame and discredit. In the guise of saving the planet and keeping you healthy, they cynically stock their shelves with 'natural' products as if the very character of natural is benign. I know plenty of naturally occuring poisons. Arsenic, methane, hemlock, venom, these are all natural. Wild animals are unpredictable and deadly. Who determined that nature was safe and healthy?
I resent marketing of holistic and organic products that make pseudo-medical claims while nimbly wording their labels to deceive the consumer. "Has been known to contribute to..." "Promotes healty..." "Sometimes works without killing..." are all phrases that veer the legal distance necessary to deflect lawsuits based on false claims.
To further intensify my aggravation, every piece of food has a goddamn backstory. I can't just buy a loaf of bread. I have to buy the sun dried tomato and nicoise olive rosemary salted French torpedo bread. I have to sit through the info card on the back of the basket detaling the harsh and sad life all the ingredients endured to make this slab of dough.
The sundried tomatoes were beaten and kidnapped from Madrid, and spirited forcefully along the underground trade routes of Afghanistan through Khetarian controlled regions in the remote nether trails through China.
The bulgar wheat was surrepticously harvested by guerillas from Greenpeace out of the Nile basin and shipped clandesinely on a restored Confederate Ironclad for processing in Minagua, before burros risk their lives backpacking it through El Salvador and Mexico.
The eggs are harvested from penguins in the Antarctic, hitched by nylon netting to the neck of a South American South Pole Egg Diver, and swam back up 3425 miles of Brazilian coast to meet his vendor who will pay him 6500 real per egg, amounting to about 12 cents, which will pay for one semester of medical school at the University of Rio de Janiero. The bread is $6.50 a loaf.
Now you see why I hate Whole Foods? I get drama, and now I have to pay six times what it would cost at Ralphs. Furthermore, I'm tired of making two distinct trips. I have to go to Whole Foods to get my protein, granted.
Then, I have to go to Ralphs or Vons or Albertsons to get my toilet paper, because I'm not going to wipe my ass with the ten dollar sandpaper Whole Foods calls organic, fresh composted wood pulp. It's like scraping an unsanded plank between my cheeks.
Oh, I've just begun.
Everything is organic, which means it is laden with disease and bug shit. You like bug shit? I don't. I want my raw vegetables to be free of vermin and dead insect carcasses. I've made this joke before, so excuse me, but 'organic' is Sumerian for 40% markup. Slap 'organic' on a vegatable and it means the farmer saved 50% overhead on not using pesticide, shipped you product full of worm holes and fecal matter, and charged you three times what it would cost in a regular store.
California drives me to tear my wisdom teeth out. More than any place else, flaky drones buy into this marketng ploy. I'm not naiive, I know this is LA's steadfast reputation. You'd think that even the most brain addled stripper could see that aloe vera capsules might not improve her complexion, but contributes to her unrelenting tide of diarrea.
Not a good condition for a stripper.
I wish I could separate Whole Foods into two divisions. The delusional baby boomer store, with the beeswax suppositories and Tofurkey rueben sandwiches, and the cheese, fowl, meat and seafood outlet.
All I want is quality meat, which Glendale excels. I don't need the hippy propoganda and infinite loop VHS reels describing the plight of the wild salmon I'm going to grill.
I don't need to choose my food motivated by guilt. I don't need to eat based on a loose moral thread. I eat because of the quality of food.
Whole Foods delivers a high quality of food, no doubt. It is only that reason I enter the front door. Beyond that, they can take their propoganda and long winded justifications for kindly slaughtered meat and shove it up their sanctimonious asses.
I wish I had never found the Whole Foods in Glendale. Previous to that, I was able to comfortably avoid the place, passing it off as a hippy outpost that catered to the guilty Earth hugging crowd. Yet, that's precisely what they are hoping for.
Whole Foods has built an empire on marketing to aging hippies that believe using organic and holistic products will usher them into the radiant embrace of immortality. Have these people looked in the mirror? Grandma picking her way through vitamin B enriched band-aids with her scraggly grey dreadlocks, who has smoked pot for the last fifty-two years, is not going to salvage her health eating hormone free cheese.
I have a grim disdain towards bogus herbs. Without FDA regulation, these companies -and when I say that, I really mean criminal enterprises- market their phony snake oil to desperate masses looking to solve their insurmountable problems. I'm certainly not sympathetic to the gluttonous slob who doesn't have the motivation to get off his ass and exercise, but I don't condone unregulated bullshit artists that pawn their useless and potentially harmful concoctions on an admittedly dumb and uninformed public.
Whole Foods buys into, and endorses that philosophy, to their shame and discredit. In the guise of saving the planet and keeping you healthy, they cynically stock their shelves with 'natural' products as if the very character of natural is benign. I know plenty of naturally occuring poisons. Arsenic, methane, hemlock, venom, these are all natural. Wild animals are unpredictable and deadly. Who determined that nature was safe and healthy?
I resent marketing of holistic and organic products that make pseudo-medical claims while nimbly wording their labels to deceive the consumer. "Has been known to contribute to..." "Promotes healty..." "Sometimes works without killing..." are all phrases that veer the legal distance necessary to deflect lawsuits based on false claims.
To further intensify my aggravation, every piece of food has a goddamn backstory. I can't just buy a loaf of bread. I have to buy the sun dried tomato and nicoise olive rosemary salted French torpedo bread. I have to sit through the info card on the back of the basket detaling the harsh and sad life all the ingredients endured to make this slab of dough.
The sundried tomatoes were beaten and kidnapped from Madrid, and spirited forcefully along the underground trade routes of Afghanistan through Khetarian controlled regions in the remote nether trails through China.
The bulgar wheat was surrepticously harvested by guerillas from Greenpeace out of the Nile basin and shipped clandesinely on a restored Confederate Ironclad for processing in Minagua, before burros risk their lives backpacking it through El Salvador and Mexico.
The eggs are harvested from penguins in the Antarctic, hitched by nylon netting to the neck of a South American South Pole Egg Diver, and swam back up 3425 miles of Brazilian coast to meet his vendor who will pay him 6500 real per egg, amounting to about 12 cents, which will pay for one semester of medical school at the University of Rio de Janiero. The bread is $6.50 a loaf.
Now you see why I hate Whole Foods? I get drama, and now I have to pay six times what it would cost at Ralphs. Furthermore, I'm tired of making two distinct trips. I have to go to Whole Foods to get my protein, granted.
Then, I have to go to Ralphs or Vons or Albertsons to get my toilet paper, because I'm not going to wipe my ass with the ten dollar sandpaper Whole Foods calls organic, fresh composted wood pulp. It's like scraping an unsanded plank between my cheeks.
Oh, I've just begun.
Everything is organic, which means it is laden with disease and bug shit. You like bug shit? I don't. I want my raw vegetables to be free of vermin and dead insect carcasses. I've made this joke before, so excuse me, but 'organic' is Sumerian for 40% markup. Slap 'organic' on a vegatable and it means the farmer saved 50% overhead on not using pesticide, shipped you product full of worm holes and fecal matter, and charged you three times what it would cost in a regular store.
California drives me to tear my wisdom teeth out. More than any place else, flaky drones buy into this marketng ploy. I'm not naiive, I know this is LA's steadfast reputation. You'd think that even the most brain addled stripper could see that aloe vera capsules might not improve her complexion, but contributes to her unrelenting tide of diarrea.
Not a good condition for a stripper.
I wish I could separate Whole Foods into two divisions. The delusional baby boomer store, with the beeswax suppositories and Tofurkey rueben sandwiches, and the cheese, fowl, meat and seafood outlet.
All I want is quality meat, which Glendale excels. I don't need the hippy propoganda and infinite loop VHS reels describing the plight of the wild salmon I'm going to grill.
I don't need to choose my food motivated by guilt. I don't need to eat based on a loose moral thread. I eat because of the quality of food.
Whole Foods delivers a high quality of food, no doubt. It is only that reason I enter the front door. Beyond that, they can take their propoganda and long winded justifications for kindly slaughtered meat and shove it up their sanctimonious asses.
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