36
[This is the longest dinner of my life]
I'll have the veal cutlet and the caeser side salad.
Sure.
[can you get the coordinates of the anchovy?]
{I'm punching it up on the satellite}
...and you get another side with that...
What?
...sir, yes. Another side.
Why? I wasn't informed of that. That's not a standard menu item.
It comes with the price of the entree. Or you can upsize for $1.99.
Honey, should I get the Buffalo Rings?
I...I can't remember. Should you?
Yes, I think I'd like to commit to the Buffalo Rings.
[Jason, can you transfer $1.99 from my offshore account]
--THAT VIOLATES PROCEDURE, I'LL NEED AUTHORIZATION. END OF LINE.--
[Listen, I am real hungry. I haven't slept for 94 hours or gone to the bathroom...ever. The buffalo rings would really help the situation. Authorization 99-theocosby-coogi]
--I THINK I CAN CLEAR IT THROUGH DIVISION. HOLD FOR AUTH--
Would you like the garlic honey remoulade or BBQ dipping compound?
[Do I have clearance for honey remoulade?]
Sir? I'm waiting.
[Do I have clearance?]
{I have a satellite link to the remoulade, give me three minutes}
I DON'T HAVE THREE MINUTES, I NEED AN ANSWER NOW.
{I have to crack into the dBase, this isn't easy, Slade. For God's sake, my family was just killed by a renegade maltese}
I don't care if it was a Yorkshire Terrier, I need that auth!
Everybody just calm down.
I AM CALM!
Sir, the table can't wait, can I come back?
You want to come back? I don't think so. Take a look at my holographic video projector into the glass of beer. Isn't that you having sex with the Prime Minister of Tablikistan?
That was a long time ago, they were our allies.
Alliances shift, what does your nametag say? Jesus? I seem to remember your name as Vlad.
Vlad, Jesus, it's all the same when you drift in the grey netherworld. Listen. I'm not on that side. I have intel. The honey remoulade is way better than the lemon ranch. You have to trust me on this. I have other customers I need to wait. I need a decision now.
Hold, just hold a minute. Um, can you repeat our order back to us?
*Sighing menacingly* You are ordering the veal cutlet with side caeser. You are waiting on authorization for extra anchovy and honey remoulade for the buffalo rings, provided your offshore account has the funds transfered. Your wife -or mistress- just wanted a salmon filet, poached, with lemon and capers, hold the fennel cream sauce...
{Sir, we just got clearance, your account has been credited for $1.99. You are clear for honey remoulade. I repeat - you are clear for honey remoulade}
Ok, yeah, sure, I'll have the honey remoulade delivered to my table in a titanium case.
Sure, sir.
WAIT. Why are you so intent on pushing the remoulade?
I'm not, seriously! We have other options. There are always other options.
-Stabs waiter to death-
*Why did you do that?*
He couldn't be trusted. There were no other options but honey remoulade and he knew it.
[GODDAMNIT SLADE, PULL BACK, PULL BACK. WHY DID YOU STAB THE WAITER?]
That was no waiter. She was a sommelier. I recognized her from Nigeria.
[Slade, she was a plant. She was only there to upsell you on the Napa Cab Sav]
Sir, I know, but we need to follow her. A renegate Sommelier brainwashed to upsell California wines could pose a threat. I planted a homing device.
[She's not going anywhere, you stabbed her]
It's not her I'm concerned with, she was dating someone in the Coroner's office. I can accompany the body and slip in undetected.
Sir, I'm the floor manager, is there a problem?
Yes, I'm going to need my order to go.
I'll have the veal cutlet and the caeser side salad.
Sure.
[can you get the coordinates of the anchovy?]
{I'm punching it up on the satellite}
...and you get another side with that...
What?
...sir, yes. Another side.
Why? I wasn't informed of that. That's not a standard menu item.
It comes with the price of the entree. Or you can upsize for $1.99.
Honey, should I get the Buffalo Rings?
I...I can't remember. Should you?
Yes, I think I'd like to commit to the Buffalo Rings.
[Jason, can you transfer $1.99 from my offshore account]
--THAT VIOLATES PROCEDURE, I'LL NEED AUTHORIZATION. END OF LINE.--
[Listen, I am real hungry. I haven't slept for 94 hours or gone to the bathroom...ever. The buffalo rings would really help the situation. Authorization 99-theocosby-coogi]
--I THINK I CAN CLEAR IT THROUGH DIVISION. HOLD FOR AUTH--
Would you like the garlic honey remoulade or BBQ dipping compound?
[Do I have clearance for honey remoulade?]
Sir? I'm waiting.
[Do I have clearance?]
{I have a satellite link to the remoulade, give me three minutes}
I DON'T HAVE THREE MINUTES, I NEED AN ANSWER NOW.
{I have to crack into the dBase, this isn't easy, Slade. For God's sake, my family was just killed by a renegade maltese}
I don't care if it was a Yorkshire Terrier, I need that auth!
Everybody just calm down.
I AM CALM!
Sir, the table can't wait, can I come back?
You want to come back? I don't think so. Take a look at my holographic video projector into the glass of beer. Isn't that you having sex with the Prime Minister of Tablikistan?
That was a long time ago, they were our allies.
Alliances shift, what does your nametag say? Jesus? I seem to remember your name as Vlad.
Vlad, Jesus, it's all the same when you drift in the grey netherworld. Listen. I'm not on that side. I have intel. The honey remoulade is way better than the lemon ranch. You have to trust me on this. I have other customers I need to wait. I need a decision now.
Hold, just hold a minute. Um, can you repeat our order back to us?
*Sighing menacingly* You are ordering the veal cutlet with side caeser. You are waiting on authorization for extra anchovy and honey remoulade for the buffalo rings, provided your offshore account has the funds transfered. Your wife -or mistress- just wanted a salmon filet, poached, with lemon and capers, hold the fennel cream sauce...
{Sir, we just got clearance, your account has been credited for $1.99. You are clear for honey remoulade. I repeat - you are clear for honey remoulade}
Ok, yeah, sure, I'll have the honey remoulade delivered to my table in a titanium case.
Sure, sir.
WAIT. Why are you so intent on pushing the remoulade?
I'm not, seriously! We have other options. There are always other options.
-Stabs waiter to death-
*Why did you do that?*
He couldn't be trusted. There were no other options but honey remoulade and he knew it.
[GODDAMNIT SLADE, PULL BACK, PULL BACK. WHY DID YOU STAB THE WAITER?]
That was no waiter. She was a sommelier. I recognized her from Nigeria.
[Slade, she was a plant. She was only there to upsell you on the Napa Cab Sav]
Sir, I know, but we need to follow her. A renegate Sommelier brainwashed to upsell California wines could pose a threat. I planted a homing device.
[She's not going anywhere, you stabbed her]
It's not her I'm concerned with, she was dating someone in the Coroner's office. I can accompany the body and slip in undetected.
Sir, I'm the floor manager, is there a problem?
Yes, I'm going to need my order to go.

4 Comments:
Um ....
Is this like some post-modern novel about a futuristic food dystopia?
Damn sommeliers.
By
KT, at 7:39 PM
Eh, It's more a parody of 24 and how absurd that show can get + boredom and free time.
By
Steve Wasser, at 8:27 AM
shades of Douglas Adams -- nice one!
By
Max Million, at 12:36 PM
Max
Thank you! For all the fish.
By
Steve Wasser, at 9:52 AM
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