Five Things to Eat Before I Die (Or Killed Because I'm Such An Asshole)

I was tagged a while ago by Anthony Bourdain's new best friend, EatDrinkAndBeMerry (if that is his real name) to answer this meme. Because I can't read, it took me a while to realize I was supposed to post my own list, which is also difficult because I can't write.

Since I will never die, I'll have to project what it would be like to live with the looming foreknowlege of my inexorable doom, instead of existing eternally behind these weary eyes.

Blue crab in pill form



In the future, robots will be our masters and food will be dispensed in capsules. Because the Blue Crab will have been harvested to extinction (and because the Chesapeake will have been drained by the impact of the Sagan asteroid), crab capsules will be one of the rarest meals on Earth. When I say Earth, of course I'm referring to the remaining habitable atolls not overrun with flesh rending marsupials.

Anything not found in a twinkie

This is humankind's greatest challenge as every chemical, protein, fat and molecular compound is found in a twinkie. I will search to the end of the Earth to find that one thing and God willing, it isn't poisonous.

Myself

If I only had that ability.

Veal stuffed with foie gras and a deep fried burger

Since all those things will be outlawed in the near future, I want to gorge myself to the point of sickening distension such that I will never want any of those things again.

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich

I dunno, I was thinking about it just now.