Go Meaten!

I realize when I say Go Meaten you may likely view me as a beer-guzzling cornpone blurting the contrarian position of embracing poor health, and eating meat solely for pleasure’s sake. Meaties -excuse me- Meataunds are viewed as consumptive libertines grinding our way through a limitless battlefield of dead animals and rended carcasses.

It is no secret that vegetarians and their vacuous cult brethren vegans shudder when a person asserts their love of meat or animal products. Chances are this is not you. If you are enjoying this site or any other food media outlet, then I’m most likely preaching to the choir.

Yet, someone besides Larry the Cable Guy has to counterbalance the discordant shriek of the Veggie mob. Everyone expects a Meataund to carry a shotgun and speak like Ted Nugent. This is because the Veggie contingent has done its best to politicize Meataunds.

They want to characterize us as gun-toting, truck driving NRA cowboys that vote for whatever Republican statue is running for office. Which is why it is so important for a moderate voice to champion our cause.

And that moderate voice is me. I’m addressing the Veggies and I want you Go Meaten.

It is vital to have a moderate voice because reasonable people rarely sound an alarmist note, pick up a sign, take to the streets, or get in someone’s face while they’re trying to get to work. Fringe elements like Veggies are eternally shoving pamphlets in our hands, scowling when we order a hamburger, and otherwise carry on a nauseatingly relentless campaign to convert the entire world to Veggies.

How many times have I sat with a Veggie friend (that I met in college, and yet still tolerate their intolerance), ordered eggs benedict only to watch their face contort with disgust as they self-righteously proclaim “I would never eat anything with a face. I would not use anything that exploits an animal,” or some similar quote they memorized off a bumper sticker.

Of course they aren't content to broadcast what they would do. The conversation inevitably becomes how I should give up meat, or try an alternative protein substitute.

That’s when I lose it. Friend or no, its bad enough to listen to someone proselytize how I should change my beliefs so I can enjoy salvation after I die. Now I have to listen to someone lecture me on how I should live before I die. If they had their way. Fundamentalists and Veggies would successfully vacuum every last atom of enjoyment out of life.

I’ve heard all the aruments before. Don't bother revving up your propaganda machine. I know you will frame your arguments in the most dishonest terms, like the hemp crowd...and don't think there isn't widespread crossover between the two.

Just as the hemp crowd uses the overriding cultural necessity of making rope as the foundation for legalizing marijuana, the Veggie cult is forever broadcasting the false argument that vegetarianism is the singular healthy lifestyle. The hidden message is that animals should be held in higher esteem than humans.

So Veggies, we have endured your shameful finger wagging for long enough. It’s time to sit back in your bean bag, take a hit of whatever it is you’re smoking, and listen to why a Meaten World is better.

1. If we relied solely on meat, we would cut illegal immigration to a fraction of what it is today. The amount of migrant workers it takes to harvest crops for US consumption is exponentially greater than the amount of hands it takes to man a ranch or slaughterhouse. With no vegetables, there would be no fields of illegal immigrants, taking jobs away from Americans who don’t want the jobs.

2. It would immediately reduce obesity by cutting out most all of the naturally occurring carbohydrates found laden in unhealthy vegetables, fruits and grains.

3. I don’t love this idea, but it would eradicate alcoholism. Without starches and grains, alcohol production would be negligible. Until they breed a cat that can be used in the fermentation process.

4. It would immediately handle the overpopulation of many wild game animals such as White Tail Deer. While many of you cringe at thought of eating Bambi (thank you, Walt Disney, for tainting venison for all time), left unchecked, White Tail breed faster than rabbits on infertility drugs. Their population can explode so rapidly that within two seasons there is not enough foliage to sustain them. Bucks fight each other for territory, and the scratching of bark with their antlers kills the trees. Your precious trees. Disease spreads throughout the scavengers who eat the meat.

5. Why target and brutalize an entire race of plant life? Veggies are complicit in genocide, as they singularly target their chlorolust on defenseless plants. At least animals can defend themselves.

6. Vegetables are treated in the cruelest manner. Stuck in the ground, enduring inhospitable weather during long winters with no shelter. Tortured in hothouses, many plants nearly suffocate in the tropical moisture and heat. As children, we played into this sick ideas as we were given mini-vegetable concentration camps, euphemistically called terrariums, so we could grow poor sprouts in captivity, only to watch them wither from lack of growing room.

No, a Meaten Planet is a vastly more desirable place to live. And you know why? Because it would never happen. Anyone who is predisposed to being a Meaten has such a passion for eating that they would never consider removing an entire food group from their menu. Meatens are reasonable enough, and secure enough to acknowledge their steak would be nothing without a potato, chicken without asparagus, or quail without a side of Harry Whittington.

Meatens recognize the radical incredulity of removing a vital source of nutrition. They realize that Veggies are not skinny because they are healthy, they are bony because of malnutrition. They remember the last time they had to nurse a Veggie co-worker for a half hour after getting a paper cut, because they were anaemic from lack of vitamin K.

On the contrary, Veggies would be content shipping all the animals to another planet where they would be safe…and useless.